Replies from the Help Desk

The Help Desk where I work is often inundated with requests from public servants. As you may not know, public servants can range from ordinary to down-right bizarre. And this is reflected in their email. While I can’t show you the original requests, I can show the replies we sent to them.

From: SED IT Helpdesk
Sent: Date Removed
To: Pascall, Stephen
Subject: RE: Help! Possessed Computer!!

Hi Stephen,
Please do not call the Help Desk to create cases because you claim that the computer is “drinking your soul”. Field can not and will not perform an exorcism on your workstation. We advise that from now on that you talk to your manager before raising a case.

If you have further queries, please contact the IT Helpdesk on x88888.

Regards,
Mark
SED IT Helpdesk

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From: SED IT Helpdesk
Sent: Date Removed
To: Shaw, Grant
Subject: RE: My Laptop

Hi Grant,
Unfortunately, after checking with our technical staff, the laptops cannot be used underwater. Hopefully, this has not inconvenienced you in anyway.

If you have further queries, please contact the IT Helpdesk on x88888.

Regards,
Jonah
SED IT Helpdesk

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From: SED IT Helpdesk
Sent: Date Removed
To: Rosenbaum, Ted
Subject: RE: Offensive Password Reset

Hi Ted,
We received a complaint from you about a password reset call you made on the . We apologise for the actions made by the helpdesk agent that took your call and reset your password to “hitler39”. We have disciplined the helpdesk agent to ensure that repeats of this event do not happen.

If you have further queries, please contact the IT Helpdesk on x88888.

Regards,
Kerri
SED IT Helpdesk

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From: SED IT Helpdesk
Sent: Date Removed
To: Berge, Phillip
Subject: RE: Give me Access Damit!

Hi Phillip,
We recently received a complaint that you were denied access to a part of the network. We understand your reasons for gaining access to the network and that you have managed to get authorisation, however the helpdesk agent that rejected the request, stated some very good arguments as to why. According to standard policy, trial by combat has been selected to resolve this dispute. Please reply to this message to nominate a time that would best suit you to meet with the helpdesk agent in the Ring of Death.

If you have further queries, please contact the IT Helpdesk on x88888.

Regards,
Juan
SED IT Helpdesk

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From: SED IT Helpdesk
Sent: Date Removed
To: Pascall, Stephen
Subject: RE: MY COmPUTER is eViL!!

Hi Stephen,
We understand you have being having several issues with your computer. There have been several cases created for you. We can assure you that the computers supplied by SED do not have the following functions/applications:

• The computer does not have maniacal laughter. Field staff have assured us it was just was a poorly secured hard disk drive
• The ability for the computer to predict what you were going to type was not a result it being able to read your thoughts. Microsoft Office products contain several predictive text features. This is standard.
• The computer being “asleep” is merely term for when it is using less power by turning off certain internal devices. It is not a term for when you can attempt an ambush.
• The monitor is just the screen, not a “Cyclopean eye that stares into the depths of your soul”
• The computer does not possess the thrumming sound of “The Hive”. That is fan noise.
• You type things into the computer through the keyboard, not the other way around.

Hopefully, this has been helpful for you. However, as we have stated before, please ask your manager first before calling the Helpdesk.

If you have further queries, please contact the IT Helpdesk on x88888.

Regards,
Theodore
SED IT Helpdesk

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From: SED IT Helpdesk
Sent: Date Removed
To: Trask, Jessica
Subject: RE: Broken Computer

Hi Jessica,
Sadly, our current warranty does not cover “throwing the entire workstation out of the seventh floor and squashing an old lady”. You will need to order a new workstation from the online catalogue.

If you have further queries, please contact the IT Helpdesk on x88888.

Regards,
Tom
SED IT Helpdesk

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From: SED IT Helpdesk
Sent: Date Removed
To: Pascall, Stephen
Subject: RE: Legitimate Mouse Problem

Hi Stephen,
We have notified your manager of your actions on the date removed. This is in regards to a case you had us create about a malfunctioning mouse. From what we understand from the accounts by our field staff, you behaved in an inappropriate and unprofessional manner that is below that standard for your workplace. In future please do not lie in wait for our staff in an adjacent cubicle, ambush them and attempt to purge their evil spirits through trepanation. This is extremely frustrating for our staff who are called to a job and the problem was something other than what was described in original case.

We ask you, once more, to talk to your manager first before calling the Helpdesk.

If you have further queries, please contact the IT Helpdesk on x88888.

Regards,
RAJ
SED IT Helpdesk